Days 24 to 27

Although the days 21 to 24 have held some wonderful moments, I have been preoccupied by pain in my hip and lower back. Strangely, hill climbing brings some relief, so the hike up to O Cebreiro was a brief joy, but every day since then has been worse and I now have an hour or less of pain in the mornings, even with the KT tape that Laura helped me apply.

The fact that we have been walking in the cold and rain since the mountains has made everything feel more difficult, and on day 26 I thought for the first time about quitting and not wanting to make it to Santiago. Day 27 was worse. I feel weak and betrayed by my body, and I cried while walking in pain and frustration.

In the rain and cold, we came upon a church with real candles and I felt like crying again when I saw them--true burning lights in the dark. I wanted to push on through the afternoon, but Laura helped me realize that I needed to stop early.

After some hard thinking, I decided to send my bag forward 25 km, a service available to pilgrims throughought the Camino. I thought about trying to walk a shorter distance over more days, but at this point, I'm not sure that walking 3 days at 20 km would make much of a difference, as the weight really seems to be the issue.

There have been so many lessons on this journey, and though this one may not be the last, I think it may be the most important--and of course it must come when I am so close to the end. When I spoke with my mum about my internal struggles with sending the pack ahead she told me to enjoy my walk without my burdens. "Jessica," she said, "you are just one blink of an eye away from being fully awake. Walk in the sun. Blink. See. Do not worry." How I love my mum.

I always push myself and I never feel that I am enough--not smart enough, hard working enough, loving enough, strong enough. I feel the need to push through the pain, to prove to myself that I can walk to the end with the weight of my pack, but my body says no, and I must listen. No one is judging me but me. I am not less if I carry less. I am enough.

Purple hills. 

The KT attempt. 

The wonderful candles. 

Day 24

Day 25

Day 26

Day 27